Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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