Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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