Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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