I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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