I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
why do cheetos always look like penises
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
