Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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