Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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