I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
