We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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