There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
