Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
