im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize