The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
