you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wish there were birth control emojis
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
