How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Only a mothe r could love this liver
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
