I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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