I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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