very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
