So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
