i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize