You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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