pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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