Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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