You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Randomize
