my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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