eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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