I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
