I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
