cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize