dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
