I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
