Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
