I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize