Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
