Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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