I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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