I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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