I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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