I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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