She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
