We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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