Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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