I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
