The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Shame - the story of my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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