i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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