You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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