I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize