when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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