I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
