is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
