don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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