Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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