he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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