got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
