The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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