he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My penis needs a shock collar
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
