Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
