he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
