I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
