I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
