I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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