It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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