she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize