phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
