Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
