She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
