awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
